JUST DON'T THINK I'LL SCREAM and a Brief Confrontation of Cinephilia

A still from one of the many film clips that make up the movie. Film of origin unknown.

Yesterday evening I finally got around to seeing Frank Beauvais' feature length confessional essay film Just Don't Think I'll Scream (2019) and boy what a turbulent watch it was. 

Beauvais' film is a montage made up of the 400 films he watched between a four-month span of time in 2016 during a depressive state of isolation trapped in the French countryside. Beauvais narrates this dark period recounting the chronology of events leading up to this point, first triggered by the quietly tragic break up between him and his boyfriend and the subsequent hell he plunged into before miraculously finding his head above water once again (for the time being). Parallel to his recollection is a chronicling of world politics often connecting back to his mental state of which was in a constant tug of reasoning self-worth and death. Beauvais' prose is lyrical and poetic yet raw and unflinching as he vocalizes his guilt, failures, and worries about where he had found himself. The 400 films he consumed (alongside a handsome mix of other media) proved more of a coping mechanism rather than for pleasure. Beauvais admits to seeing 4 to 5 films a day through a myriad combination of mediums from online files he had illegally downloaded to DVDs purchased online. His residual time outside of his movie watching spent searching and planning for films to watch the next day. Rinse and repeat. Money was scarce and Beauvais barely kept himself afloat as he made a small business selling the discs, records, and books he would accumulate in order to access new content for himself to digest. Beauvais' life for the four months was relegated to being the most extreme cinephile out of sheer survival.

As for the craft of the montage itself, edited by Thomas Marchand, it's reasonably lacking in ingenuity but effective in execution nonetheless. The presentation is concise, reeling together various snippets from each film, often serving as direct visual accompaniment to his talking points, creating a singular abstract collage of Beauvais' experience. Despite the harrowing nature inherent in the subject matter, Marchand manages to imbue minuscule moments of levity through Beauvais' rhetoric. I'm reminded most specifically of a part where Beauvais recalls meeting up and chatting with an old friend but being pitted into mostly silence due to how much the other loved talking about himself and it is at this moment where Marchand inserts a clip of a man gesturing a jerk off motion with his hands. Pure kino.

When finding out about this film early last year due to the sizable praise it received coming out of Berlinale, it snagged my intrigue without slack. And now just having seen it, my initial pre-viewing extrapolations, now realizations have been confronted. And that is answering the side effects that come with being a cinephile. Now, I should preface before sounding like my own life situation compares to that of Frank's, it doesn't. But, the same feelings that arise from being someone who digests more movies on a regular basis compared to my fellow citizens is shared. To the common folk, cinephilia is not normal.

From time to time I catch myself pondering the futility of my own dedication to the cinema. At first it started as a fun, innocent dive into the expansive catalog of film selection, but has since morphed into a much more obsessive ordeal. While I don't spend all of my time watching and browsing film like Frank, it still remains a key component of my day to day life. It's quite literally part of who I am at this point. Aside from the pure euphoric joy it brings me, which itself is enough of a justification, I do often find myself having to further reason the point of it all. Why continue watching so many films when I can go on and do something more "useful" and "productive" with my time, even if not realistically possible. My answer (typically) is to continue feeding the constantly growing beast that is my film education and how that can be applied to future career opportunities, but that still isn't enough. There's been a growing void that's opened up in me as I've begun to "adult" over the past couple of years. Failures, regrets, and anxieties in my personal life that continue to haunt me every passing day. To help pacify and dull these feelings? I turn to film (among other arts). There's a self contained poetry that film and only film offers that no other art can. To observe the existences, philosophies, and choices made of other people, cultures, and beings. Fiction or non-fiction, narrative or experimental, crucial perspectives and ideologies that have helped shape me come directly from my experiences in film. I've found cinema to be the great teacher for understanding the conditions of life, both physical and metaphysical.Yet despite this, why do I continue to feel so guilty for indulging the way I do? It's a harmless vocation on my behalf if not a positive driving force for self growth and exploration.

Is it perhaps a symptom of capitalistic propaganda ingrained in the culture of working class America?  The general idea floating around in the ether of this country seems to be that personal pleasure does not equate to any monetary value. To feel content and successful, we must reach and satisfy society's deeply problematic and shallow views of success through countless hours of soul sucking work. That's horseshit. As mentioned before, a large segment of my justifying extends itself to that of career avenues. Money. That's what all this centers around in the end. Though despite reaching this clear and logical conclusion my underlying feelings still remain unmoved. I don't understand it. And probably never will.

Obviously Beauvais' film struck a bunch of nerves within and seemingly so among all the other cinephiles out there who've shared these similar sentiments on sites like Letterboxd and MUBI. Despite the unpleasant reality of it, I couldn't be more grateful for Beauvais opening up and dedicating a film to this very niche but important topic. There does exist a dark side to the passion of watching lots of movies. It's not pretty but must be confronted.